Lord of the Ringlets
by MarvelousThings07
Summary: The Fellowship goes on a quest to retrieve Legolas' lost shampoo, and complete randomness ensues. Rated T to be on the safe side.
1. In Which Legolas Loses A Prized Possesio

Hello, everybody! It is I elvinchick-07, back with a whole new story. But before getting to this swashbuckling tell of love and Pantene, I would like to think everybody who reviewed my last story, and I hope you enjoy yhis one. So without furthur ado, it brings me great pleasure to present...

Lord of the Ringlets

a.k.a. The Squishabug Chronicles

Chapter One: In Which Legolas Loses A Prized Possesion

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that you've seen before. I just borrowing it for a while.

Legolas Greenleaf absentmindedly twirled a strand of his platinum blond hair around his finger as he walked down the gilded hallway of his father's Mirkwood palace. He was returning from a battle, a strange,unprovoked attack on the Mirkwood Citadel from the fearsome Spiders. This had been the second act of violence that the spiders had commited in the past week. Last Tuesday, Legolas' father's brother's nephew's stepsister's cousin's former roomate, Archibald J. Bojangles, had been kidnapped by the Spiders as he walking through Mirkwood's West Side. Though the elves and Spiders had lived in relative peace for 1,649 years, the newly crowned spider king Squishabug IV wanted war with the elves. Unbeknownst to the elves, these attacks were just the first steps in Squishabug's ultimate plan for world domination!

Legolas shuddered at the thought of spiders. They were so icky! Now he was covered in gunk from the 628 spiders he had slain earlier. This would simply not be tolerated.After all,he must keep himself immaculately spotless for the oogling fangirls. It wasn't easy being the prettiest being in Middle-earth. He turned the corner and walked into the bathroom, more than ready to wash his worries away with a long,hot shower. (He could almost hear the rabid fangirls panting at the thought.) He was about to turn on the water when he realized something was wrong, very wrong.

Elrond was sitting in the library, reading his favorite book (Quantum Physics fo Dummies), when he heard the unmistakable cry of an elf in distress:

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Elrond rushed down the hall, fearing the vile Spiders had committed another heinous crime. he followed the noise into the bathroom, where he saw Legolas curled into a fetal position on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Legolas, what in the name of Morgoth is going on!",Elrond shouted.

"I sob lost my sob Pantene sob sob and now Arwen sob is going to sob sob be prettier than me! WAHHHHHH! Hold me Elrond!", Legolas said as he jumped into Elrond's arms and hugged him tightly. Elrond roughly pushed him off,disgusted.

"Legolas", Elrond said. "I have two things to say. First, I'm not gay, so I would greatly appreciated if you refrained from throwing your arms around my neck, and second, Arwen's always been prettier than you." Legolas, apparently not wanting to hear what Elrond had to say, defiantly stuck his fingers in his ears and started singing "La la la la I'm not listening." Elrond rolled his eyes and began to walk away when Legolas came up with a brilliant idea.

"Elrond,we must go on a quest to rescue my beloved Pantene Pro-V!"

"Why can't you just go to Wal-Mart and pick up another bottle?", Elrond inquired, more than a little annoyed.

"It wouldn't be the same!", Legolas exclaimed,stunned by Elrond's heartless remark."That bottle is filled with more than overpriced shampoo! It represents what it means to be Legolas! That bottle and I have bared our souls to each other; we are as one."

"I probably don't want to know", Elrond said under his breath.

" Besides", Legolas continued,"Ever since Frodo destroyed that stupid Ring and defeated the Dark Lord, all of us good guys have been out of work."

" I suppose you're right," Elrond sighed. "We'll have a council to see if you're shampoo is important enough to go on a quest for."

"YIPPY SKIPPY!" Legolas shouted as he skipped down the hall. Elrond just banged his head up against the wall. What had he gotten himself into this time?

A.N.: Well there you have it, my first chapter. Please read and review. Don't sugar-coat anything, I want honest opinions. Much love, elvinchick-07


	2. In Which A Crazy Council Is Held

Hello! I'm back with a new chapter. I would like to thank all of the people who reviewed my first chapter. You made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Hope ya'll like this one!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, so don't sue me. (It's not like you'd get anything anyway, seeing as how I'm broke.)

Lord of the Ringlets

a.k.a. The Squishabug Chronicles

Chapter 2: In Which a Crazy Council Is Held

One week later the members of the Fellowship began gathering in Mirkwood. Arwen and Aragorn arrived with Eowyn and Faramir (who was filling in for Boromir.) Gimli came a few minutes later. But the hobbits were nowhere to be seen. Elrond didn't care; he was ready to get this stupid thing over and done with. Legolas insisted however, urging them to wait a few more minutes. He had come prepared with a pack of Uno cards to pass the time. They were just beginning their fourteenth game (Aragorn, the Uno champion of Gondor, was not allowed to play, seeing as he had one the previous eleven games) when the sound of drunken voices could be heard wafting over the hill. Everyone snapped to attention, recognizing Merry and Pippin. The two hobbits came stumbling along, holding large mugs of fine Shire ale in their small hands. Sam came walking sheepishly behind them, looking rather embarrased at his fellow hobbits' antics. Merry and Pippin were nearing the end of a drinking song of their own composition, a little ditty about ducks and porn stars, when they realized everyone staring at them. Immediatley sobered by Elrond's icy glare, the hobbits took their seats. Although Frodo and Gandalf were absent, now residing in the Grey Havens, the Council decided to proceed anyway. Elrond has just opened his mouth to speak when a purple jumbo jet with gold accents appeared over the top of the trees and came to land on top of the Mirkwood McDonald's, squishing a few random elves in the process. Everyone didn't know what to think of this sight. (Which wasn't surprising, considering no one in Middle-earth had ever seen a jet before. Most of them flew Eagle Airlines. A lucky few sometimes caught a ride on a dragon.) All present at the Council held their breath as the door on the plane slowly opened...and out stepped Frodo, dressed to the nines. He was wearing shiny black shoes (a hobbit wearing shoes?) and a black pimp suit with red pinstipes. This ensemble was completed by a black fedora with a red silk ribbon and a snazzy pimp cane. Behind Frodo stood a tall Elvish woman with flowing blond hair. She was wearing a red tube top, a dangerously short black leather miniskirt with black fishnets, and red stiletto heels that look as if they could be used as lethal weapons.

"Ya'll like my pimp jet!" Frodo asked entusiastically. Everyone just stared.

"PIMP JET!" exclaimed a shocked Sam, finally breaking the silence. What had Mister Frodo come to, he wondered.

"Yeah", replied Frodo, twirling his cane as he descened the plane's steps. The blond elf obidiently followed. "I'm the Gray Havens pimp now, and this is my 'ho, Linda." He pointed to the blond elf, who was twirling a strand of hair around one of her well-manicured fingers and giggling. Sam was completely stunned.

"I hate two break up this beautiful reunion between best friends", said Aragorn, approaching the two hobbits. "But I have to ask you something Frodo. Where is Gandalf? The Fellowship just wouldn't be complete without him."

"Oh, he's still on the plane. GANDALF!" Gandalf stepped into the doorway. He looked as he had never looked before. Instead of the long white robes everyone had become accustomed to after his transformation from the Grey to the White were replaced by tight black leather pants and a tight rainbow tank top. It was quite a disturbing sight. Behind Gandalf stood a man in gray slacks and a black turtleneck. He brought to mind visions of an elite NYC hairstylist.

"Who is that?" Aragorn asked.

"Oh this is my partner Steve. He is the Grey Haven hairstylist. And he gives a mean massage," said Gandalf proudly.

"Partner?" Aragorn inquired. "You mean like business partner?"

"No. I mean like bed partner!" replied Gandalf.

"Okay, I did NOT need to hear that!" Aragorn said, a look of disgust on his face.

"Well, you asked!" replied Gandalf defensively.

"Maybe he should have been called Gandalf the Gay!" Pippin observed. Everyone turned to look at the stupid hobbit. Elrond rolled his eyes at the Took's unessecary comment. He was getting a migraine from all the ridiculousness.

"If you don't have any more freakshows packed into that plane, I would like to get on with this stupid council." said Elrond, more than a little annoyed. Everyone sat back down in their seats and waited for the proceedings to begin. Legolas came foward, ready to present his case.

"On the evening of the 24th of September in the year 5 of the 4th Age of Middle-earth,the fearsome Spiders stolea great treasure from the hallowed halls of the Palace of Mirkwood," Legolas intoned solemnly. All present sat on the edge of their seats, wondering what great treasure had been taken from the Elven prince. With baited breath they waited for Legolas to continue telling his story.

"This treasure has great meaning to me," Legolas continued. "It essential to my status as the prettiest being in Middle-earth. It is my belo..."

"Wait just a minute," Aragorn interuppted. "But Arwen is the prettiest being in Middle-earth. Duh."

"It's true. Sorry Legolas," Arwen said modestly.

"Are not," countered Legolas.

"Are too," Arwen shot back.

"Are not"

"Are too"

"Are not"

"Are too"

"SHUT UP!" Elrond shouted, promptly silencing all present. "It dosen't matter whose prettier. Legolas, just tell them what you've lost so we can get on with the Council." Legolas, who was busy giving Arwen the evil eye, immediately forgot his anger at the chance to rescue his beloved shampoo.

"Anyway," Legolas started, "as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, the treasure that was stolen was my beloved bottle of..."

"Ale?" Pippin inquired in a drunken voice.

"No Pippin!" the whole Council shouted. "Fool of a Took." Gandalf was heard saying under his breath.

"Oh, okay." Pippin said, as he grabbed a piece of lembas bread and stuffed the whole thing into his mouth. "Please continue Legolas," he said, crumbs falling out of his mouth and onto Frodo's shiny pimp shoes.

"Hey! Watch the shoes Pippin!" Frodo said. "These are Neiman Marcus! High dollar stuff!" He began to whack Pippin upside the head with his pimp cane.

"For the last time," Legolas said, "the treasure that somebody stole was my beloved bottle of Pantene!"

"Okay," said Faramir. "What do you want us to do about it?"

"Rescue it of course!" Legolas shouted. Didn't Faramir understand the seriousness of the situation?

"Why don't you just go to Wal-Mart and buy a new bottle?" Aragorn asked.

"It wouldn't be the same!" said Steve the Grey Havens hairstylist, taking the words right out of Legolas' mouth. "I propose that we embark on this quest."

"Well it's stupid, but we haven't got anything better to do." said Aragorn. "Besides, it would be kind of fun to squish some Spiders. I'm in."

"I'll go too. I want to beat something with my pimp cane anyway." said Frodo

"I'll show Legolas that dwarve don't need girly shampoo to kick some major ass! I'm in!" Gimli exclaimed.

The others all agreed to join the quest, and with that they were off to go to war against spiders and oily hair!


	3. In Which There Is A Stupid Shopping Trip

Hello, everybody. I'm back with a new chapter. This one is the most random yet, so be prepared. I've been working on my James Bond fanfic, and should have the first chapter posted soon.

Disclaimer: I do not own any companies, franchises, or characters (with the exception of Linda and Steve). Don't sue me.

Lord of the Ringlets

a.k.a. The Squishabug Chronicles

Chapter Three: In Which There Is AStupid Shopping Trip

Mirkwood Mall was widely considered to be the best shopping destination north of Rohan. The Fellowship decided that they could take time out of their busy schedule for a quick trip to the mall. At the entrance to the large shopping center, the Fellowship split up, agreeing to meet back up at the food court in two hours' time. Eowyn, Arwen, and Linda made a beeline for Hecht's, but Steve refused to go, insisting that mall department stores were to lowbrow for him; he only shopped at overpriced designer boutiques. He and Gandalf went to Abercrombie and Fitch to look around. They weren't looking at clothes, however. Those Abercrombie and Fitch guys were hot! Pippin and Merry spied a bar down the hall a little ways, and they dragged Sam in that direction. Frodo began to walk in the direction of Victoria's Secret to find something for Linda, and Aragorn and Faramir went to duke it out at the arcade. Legolas and Gimli were left standing at the entrance way. A few fangirls spotted Legolas and ran screaming in his direction. Gimli would not let Legolas get all the fangirls' attention. He was going to show the Elven prince just how sexy he could be.

Frodo was walking out of Victoria's Secret (he had gotten Linda a very sexy black lace thong and bra set) when he passed a mirror in the window. Was that a small scratch on the lens of his pimp shades? This would simply not do. He had to replace his sunglasses immediately. Luckily, there was a sunglasses store just across the way. Frodo walked into the shop and began looking at the store's selection of Ray Bans. Also in the store were Neo, Morpheus, and Trinity. They had just bought new leather trench coats, and were now getting new sunglasses to match. Neo spotted Frodo. He was impressed by this midget in a pimp suit. He apparently had some talent to be pimpin' so awesomely. He kneeled and looked Frodo straight in the eye.

"I don't know how you do it man, but I've never seen anyone pimp as awesomely as you. Take my ultra-sexy Ray Bans as a humble gift," Neo said solemnly to Frodo.

"Freakin' sweet!" Frodo shouted. Neo's glasses were certainly the sexiest he'd ever seen. While Frodo was pleased with this exchange, Trinity was not. How dare Neo pay attention to anyone but her? She proceeded to angrily hit Neo with her purse. Morpheus was happy to ignore this little lovers' spat. His eyes wandered to the entrance of the large Barnes and Noble across the hall. That was when he noticed Elrond exiting the store.

"Neo, Trinity! It's Agent Smith disguised as an elf! Let's go get him!" The three ran across the hall to the bookstore, and commenced to assault poor Elrond with slow motion kung fu moves. Frodo left Elrond to his fate, and went to find Linda.

At about the same time in another section of the mall, Legolas and Gimli were continuing their fangirl contest.

"I've got two already!" Gimli announced triumphantly.

"I've got seventeen," Legolas replied nonchalantly. At that time, triplets ran up and began worshiping Legolas. Gimli looked in horror at this event. Legolas looked smugly in the dwarf's direction.

"Well, that still only counts as one!" Gimli retorted.

Faramir and Aragorn walked out of the arcade, ready to look for their wives. Aragorn was dejected; Faramir had whupped him in air hockey 57-1. Aragorn may be the Gondor Uno champion, but nobody could touch Faramir when it came to air hockey. On their way to find Arwen and Eowyn, the guys passed the bar where they had last seen Merry and Pippin. The hobbits were now dancing around like idiots. Pippin had his pants on his head and was flapping his arms like a chicken while Merry played an old hobbit ballad on a kazoo. Poor Sam stood there banging his head on the wall. Aragorn rolled his eyes and went to retrieve the hobbits.

"How many pints of ale have you had?" Aragorn demanded of Merry.

"Only one or two," Merry replied. Good, Aragorn thought. Maybe their ridiculous behavior could be attributed to stupidity rather than drunkenness.

"Dozen," Pippin piped up.

"What?" Aragorn inquired, at the same time knowing that he would probably regret asking.

"One or two…dozen," Pippin said, "each." Upon hearing that, Aragorn let out a scream of frustration that could be heard all the way in Minas Tirith.

Arwen, Eowyn, and Linda had looked at pretty much every store in the mall worth looking at and between the three of them had bought 14 shirts, 8 pairs of pants, 6 skirts, 4 purses, 11 dresses, and 26 pairs of shoes. All in all, it had been a good day. The girls were now debating where to go for lunch when they ran into Aragorn and Faramir, dragging the hobbits behind them. Gandalf and Steve followed soon after, still munching on the popcorn they had gotten at the theater.

"Brokeback Mountain is the best movie ever!" Steve said excitedly. "That **Jake Gyllenhaal is really hot!"**

Legolas and Gimli walked up as well. The final total for the fangirl contest stood thusly: Legolas: 283, Gimli: 4.

Frodo returned as well, deep in conversation with James Bond Lando Calrissian, and Lucius Malfoy, all of whom he had met in at Pimp Camp.

Now that the Fellowship was back together, they could continue on their quest. After a quick bite to eat at Applebee's, they once again embarked on their mission to find the sacred shampoo.


	4. In Which We Visit Another Fantasy Series

Greetings dear readers! I'm back with a new a chapter. I'm sorry it took so long, but I've been really busy lately. (SATs suck! As do exams in my college classes!) Anyways, here's the new chapter. I hope everyone likes it. Much love!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it!

Lord of the Ringlets

a.k.a. The Sqishabug Chronicles

Chapter 4: In Which We Visit Another Fantasy Series

After their little shopping excursion, the Fellowship decide they should begin

their quest in earnest. They had been walking through the woods for quite happily for some time, (except for Gandalf and Steve, who were holding hands and skipping along singing "Happy Together.") when they reached a fork in the road. The left side had sunlight dappling through the trees and birds singing happily; the left was quite a different story. It was dark and spooky, with strange, knotted trees and weird one-eyed crows roosting in the trees. The Fellowship naturally began walking down the left side of the path, but they were stopped by Legolas, who insisted they go the other way.

"I know that my Pantene is this way!" he said. "We must rescue it!"

"But Legolas, these two paths come out at the same place." Arwen said in her calm Elfish voice.

"Yes", said Legolas. "But this is a shortcut. I know it. My spider senses are tingling."

"You don't even have spider senses," Aragorn said, rolling his eyes. "Since I'm the King of Gondor, I think I should decide which path we take, and I choose the left one. Now who's with me?"

The rest of the Fellowship agreed wholeheartedly with Aragorn. They again started to walk down the left pathway, when Legolas begin to cry.

"I'll never find my shampoo, and it's all your fault!" Legolas angrily screamed, pointing an accusing finger at Aragorn. He then erupted into uncontrollable sobs. Not wanting to deal with Legolas' ridiculousness any longer, the Fellowship begrudgingly agreed to take the right path.

Legolas' attitude improved immediately when they began walking down the spooky path. He was alone in this respect. The ominous atmosphere put everyone else ill at ease. An uncomfortable silence surrounded the travelers, broken only by Legolas humming a song that sounded strangely like "I Feel Pretty." They had traveled like this for quite some time, when the weird deformed trees gradually begin to give way to evergreens. A light shined in the distance, making the atmosphere a lot more pleasant. Everyone began to feel a lot better. As they got closer to the light, they realized that it was actually a lamppost, seemingly growing out of the ground. Everyone in the Fellowship found this really weird, but Legolas saw it is a sign that his beloved Pantene was near, and he began doing an elaborate "happy dance" that combined elements from the Macarena, the Electric Slide, and the Funky Chicken. The rest of the Fellowship were to busy staring at Legolas to hear someone approaching from behind. It wasn't until the stranger tapped on Faramir's shoulder that anyone even realized he was there.

"Who are you?" Faramir asked the young man.

"I was going to ask you all the same questions," the stranger replied, staring at Legolas with a confused look on his face. "And what's wrong with her?"

"That's a guy, and his name is Legolas." Faramir replied. "He's doing that 'happy dance' because he thinks that that lamppost means his Pantene shampoo is around here somewhere."

"I've never heard of Pantene," the young man said. "But I don't know anything about shampoo. We should go to the castle and ask my sister Susan, she might know."

"Why should we trust you?" asked Sam, who for some reason didn't like this guy.

"Because I'm a king, duh," the guy replied. "I am King Peter the Magnificent of Narnia."

"Nice title," said Frodo. "I've been thinking about changing mine. It could be 'Pimp Frodo the Wicked Awesome' or something. What'd you guys think?" But sadly for Frodo, no one was listening, as they had all began to follow Peter to a castle in the distance.

"Welcome to Cair Paravel," Peter said when they reached the castle by the sea.

"Sweet setup you got here," said Aragorn admiringly. "It's almost as cool as Minas Tirith." The Fellowship proceeded to enter the castle, where they were greeted by Lucy, who began jabbering to Peter about various things that had happened that day.

"That can't be your sister who's the expert on shampoo!" Legolas said in horror as he caught sight of the little girl with short red hair. "Her hair is barely long enough to do anything with."

"No, this is my youngest sister, Lucy. Susan's the one who knows all about hair care products. She is in the throne room. Come with me." Peter turned and led the Fellowship through the elaborately carved doors that led into the throne room. Susan sat in the window reading a book, and Edmund was standing on the balcony, watching the moles plant an orchard in the courtyard below.

"Hey Sue," Peter said making his sister look up from her book. "I've got someone for you to meet." Legolas appeared behind Peter, making Susan nearly faint from his hotness.

"Greetings, I am Queen Susan the Gentle of Cair Paravel," she said once she had gained her composure again. "What do I owe this honor?" A look of revulsion crossed Legolas' face, and he stepped away from her.

"What?" Susan asked him, a look of concern on her face.

"Did you just say you were the queen?" Legolas asked.

"Yes."

"And King Peter is your brother?"

"Yes."

"EWWW! Incest!" Legolas shouted.

"We're not married, you perv. That's just gross." Susan said. "You're stupid." Legolas promptly stuck his fingers in his ears and started the whole "LaLaLa, I'm not listening" thing he had pulled on Elrond earlier. Susan just rolled her eyes and was getting ready to return to reading her book when she got the uncomfortable feeling that someone was staring at her. She turned to find Arwen giving her the evil eye.

"What's YOUR problem?" she asked, annoyed by now.

"You stole my style," Arwen replied, her voice dangerously low. She then began to put an Elvin curse on Susan that would cause her to look like Cher, when a loud roar shook the room. Everyone turned around to see a large lion standing in the doorway.

"Aslan! You're back!" Lucy shouted as she ran over and threw her arms around the lion furry neck.

"What is going on here?" Aslan demanded in a deep, booming voice that was full authority.

"These strange people are on a quest to find some lost shampoo, and I thought Susan would know something about it, seeing as how she is Narnia's shampoo expert, but then stuff got stupid." Peter explained to the great cat.

"Putting Elvin curses on people is no way to settle disputes." Aslan said, giving Arwen a stern look. "This problem," Aslan continued, "shall be settled in a catfight that will be held tomorrow at dawn." Everyone bowed to the lion at this command.

"Well, I guess you will be staying here tonight." Peter said. "Lucy will show you where your rooms are." Lucy happily led the Fellowship out of the throne room and down a long hallway. She chattered as she led them to their rooms, and most of them chattered with her. But the Legolas hung back, silent. He was beginning to fear that he would never find his Pantene.

_What strange things will befall our heroes next? What other adventures does Narnia hold? Find out in Part II, which I will upload soon. Hope you liked it, and even if you didn't please R&R. _


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